Attract a Girl That You"re Into

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Paul asks: “I'm 28 years old and single, and am wondering if my liking of specific types of women is limiting my dating potential; I'm not talking about physical looks, but other things, like personality and race/colour. Personality is important; they have to get on well with me, and be kind, gentle / caring etc. I don't want to use online dating, it's just too hard for men, plus I want to be able to meet these types of women in person, but where?

Is being attracted to these types of women limiting my dating potential or not? I'm not very experienced with dating, and to be honest, would appreciate some advice on this”.

Hey there Paul, and thanks for a great question. I think that your inexperience with dating has little to do with your struggles, so I'll only touch upon that briefly. For the most part, I'll focus on (a) whether the types of women you find attractive is limiting your potential happiness, and (b) how to meet said women, or any women really, that seek the same kind of interaction that you do.

So. Does only being attracted to a certain type, race, age, height or size limit your potential dating pool? Of course it does. As with any preference, whether dating, food, climate or job, you're making decisions based on past experiences and how your brain is wired. If it bothers you that you're only attracted to (as an example) Caucasian, dark-haired women from Canada when you live elsewhere, well, it's the same type of self-judgement if you were to crave sushi while living in Uzbekistan.

Does that mean it's easy to find sushi in Uzbekistan? I have no idea, however, my assumption is that it might be tricky and you'd have to get creative. The same goes for dating, especially when you're specific about what you're attracted to or want to attract into your life. Is that bad? Nope, unless you've got some sort of guilt, shame or fear attached to your thought process – and then I'd strongly suggest getting some professional assistance with working through those feelings, and maybe reading some books about neurobiology and how to rewire your brain (and thus what appeals to you in turn).

Another way to look at who and what you're attracted to is that your specific needs, wants and desires assist you to focus. Think of it this way: if you think about green cars, really appreciate them and talk about them all the time, what happens? Usually, you'll see green cars everywhere, when previously you might have overlooked them. Meeting someone is almost exactly the same; focus on what you want, talk about it often, stay positive and appreciative, and you'll suddenly notice “those” women everywhere, and often.

As for why you're struggling to meet women that you find yourself attracted to, my guess is that you're very much focused on the struggle, fear of the unknown, or the “not” meeting them part of the equation. Admittedly, most people are in the same boat. We talk a tremendous amount about what we don't want, are scared of, past experiences that have enabled whatever limiting belief system we adopt, and so forth. So I want you to ask yourself: how often do you focus, talk about, and appreciate what you want in a dating relationship?

When I start working with a coaching client, I find one of the biggest indicators of a future, successful romantic partnership is whether the person can shift their focus from the negatives to whatever it is they seek. I believe this readily applies to you as well Paul: if you can stay focused on what you want, regardless of when or how you find it, you'll suddenly discover that the places you go and the people you know will enable you to find the perfect girl effortlessly.If you're still wanting suggestions on the where part of the equation, however, I suggest reading these articles I've written on this exact topic: The Rules of Meeting Someone New, How to Find a Date, Places to Meet Singles.

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